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Samsung’s Galaxy S IV teaser video is a hyperbolic mess that promises the new phone will be the biggest thing since color TV.

Seriously?

The Korean company, looking to build buzz for the March 14 release of its new flagship phone, released a teaser video Monday. It tells you nothing about the phone. Not a thing. Now, this is not unusual. Building buzz is often more about anticipation than details. But Samsung is the king of the Android phone, and the S IV is a big deal. With so much on the line, and all that clout (and money), you’d think Samsung would create a teaser that makes you want to see, if not buy, the phone. Instead, the video is a sad attempt at humor, hype and cuteness that makes you shrug your shoulders and say, “Meh.”

The video begins with the driver of Samsung’s UNPACKED 2013 messenger stating, “I know this is going to be one the most amazing products to hit the market since TVs went color.” Really? It’s a phone. An Android phone. Unless it uses holograms or leapfrogs Google Glass, it’s just a rectangle with a bunch of new features. Samsung just set the bar so high there is no way you can’t be disappointed.

This is within the first 10 seconds of the video.

What follows is the reveal that a little boy named Jeremy Maxwell has been selected to reveal the Samsung UNPACKED 2013. He’s a slightly annoying kid who, for reasons that are anyone’s guess, has been placed in charge of a square white box that contains the Galaxy S IV. Now, there’s nothing wrong with kids. They can be a great addition to a commercial, providing a measure of hilarity, wonder and insight into our own sense of wonder. Jeremy Maxwell does none of these things. He’s just annoying.

When Jeremy opens the box we’re treated to a tired ’90′s movie cliche: The phone gives off a Pulp Fiction-esque gold glow as Jeremy’s eyes go wide with wonder. It’s supposed to be a dramatic effect, but 18 years after Tarantino’s masterpiece, it just feels stale.

At the end, Dennis the Menace is hassled by his neighbor Jane as he arrives home from the box. “What’s in the box, Jeremy,” she asks, ominously. The music swells dramatically, and we’re left to wonder what happens next as Jeremy draws the curtains and takes the phone to his room as Jane yells, “I know you’ve got something there, Jeremy Maxwell!” Will Jane break in to see the phone? Will Jeremy have to enter witness protection to keep the phone and himself safe? We know there’s more coming, because we’re told “To be continued…”

Does anyone care? Nope.

It’s shame, because this promises to be one cool phone. Word has it the S 4 will a 5-inch screen, quad-core processor, 2 gigs of RAM and the latest version of Android Jelly Bean, 4.2. Cooler still, it will track your eye movement to scroll pages, according to The New York Times.

All of which would make for a much cooler teaser than some kid running around with a glowing box. Samsung, if you’re going to make a teaser video and campaign, please do your best to make it entertaining. If that’s not within your wheelhouse, don’t bother. At least you’re really good at selling phones.

The Samsung Galaxy S IV will be introduced in New York on March 14. Expect Jeremy and his magic glowing box to appear on stage. Probably surrounded by explosions and panda bears.